The Truth About Authenticity
My husband busted me. We were on vacation with friends, and the night before, I'd poked fun at him (or maybe I outright insulted him…?).
I didn't know what he was referring to when he asked why I'd said what I said (If you know me, you know any number of statements could have spread their wings at the foot of my mouth that evening).
Turned out he was pissed about a comment so benign (I was doing a quick scan and came up with multiple others); I would never have identified it.
So, naturally, I was pissed. I'd complimented him so much on this trip that our friends nicknamed him “Sexy.” I stormed out of the resort gym in triumph. This was his issue, not mine.
But then…and here's where I want to talk about authenticity.
Those who know me or love my message often say I'm refreshingly authentic, and honestly, my ego wears this identity as a badge of honor.
I try, and these days, I'm more authentic than ever, but I'm also acutely aware of how often I fail despite my best efforts.
Authenticity is harder to come by than you may realize.
Only you know what's happening inside you when you're feeling insecure or if your tumultuous inner world causes you to behave ingenuously.
No doubt, I wanted to make people laugh on the night in question. Or maybe I had a personality part holding a grudge at my husband and letting it out sideways.
I don't know because that's how unconsciously we communicate.
This goes back to our tribal evolution. Back in the day, it took a village. Everyone had a job, and if you didn't do your job, you were cast out, and if you were cast out, you couldn't survive, plain and simple.
It was imperative to belong (current day translation: make people laugh), matter (potential grudge), and be “enough” (subsequent anger at my husband's failure to see that I complimented him a lot).
These egoic desires drive us around our lives like a silent hybrid engine. If, in a given situation, you're unaware of the voices telling you you're not enough or the bodily emotions fearing lack of acceptance, then your words, actions, and behaviors cannot, by definition, be authentic.
And this is the case 95% of the time. So, we must work at it.
I know what comments upset my husband because they have come up “a few times” over the last 18 years. I don't do it on purpose. It happens because the hybrid engine takes over.
However, acknowledging the automatic program and my lack of authenticity allowed me to apologize and dial up my awareness. Next time, I'll hopefully catch it sooner.
Here's an easy way to tell if you're not being authentic.
If you walk away from a conversation, self-flagellating, embarrassed, or ashamed, your primal desire to be enough, liked, or to matter was driving that interaction.
If you find yourself inflating your value, defending your worth to yourself or others no matter how subtly – same thing.
And… it's OKAY. Welcome to Humanity.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and use your awareness to improve next time.
(And know that when others are annoying, they are also stuck in those primal drivers, so let it go. They're in enough internal turmoil as it is).
