When I was little, I burnt a black hole in my carpet (hanging a lamp too close while drawing on the floor). We moved the bed over it, and I spent the next several years terrified that a monster lived under there.

I was also afraid of the basement, the dark, dying, being alone, laughed at, found out, looking stupid, Mrs. Finley, making a mistake, people hating me, and most of all, that I was fundamentally unlovable. 

Do you get Hallmark-Channel holidays, where relatives genuinely enjoy, feel safe, are heard, seen, and entertained by one another, and also cook well?  

Let's face it, some people got different blessings in this life, but holidays are hijacked by drunk Uncle Wilbur making an ass of himself.

Perhaps relatives laugh uncomfortably or glue their eyes to the potatoes while a select few scowls from the kitchen. How the day will end out is anybody's guess, but next year, everyone holds their breath and pretends the year before never happened.

I'm just back from dragging my body and mind kicking and screaming on a walking meditation.

I say “dragged” because every cell of me wanted to a) complain, b) go back to bed in defeat, or c) do my endless dance of forcing, efforting, and pushing on my business. 

Here are a few decisions I've made with my mind:

1. Bought a house I couldn't afford.

2. Got a puppy I couldn't take care of.

3. Joined a real estate program to fix and flip houses.

My husband busted me. We were on vacation with friends, and the night before, I'd poked fun at him (or maybe I outright insulted him…?).

I didn't know what he was referring to when he asked why I'd said what I said (If you know me, you know any number of statements could have spread their wings at the foot of my mouth that evening).

I lifted weights at the gym for the first time in ten years, and an hour later, I had a brand-new body… said no one ever.

Everyone knows it takes time and effort to become physically fit. However, if you change your diet and work out, you'll soon notice improved strength, weight loss, and muscle definition.

The other day, I went into an establishment I frequent, and the lovely woman who works there was making idle conversation, telling me about another patron.

“She’s good people,” she said. “She’s like us.”

I heard myself respond, “All people are good people.”

I did a cool thing the other day (which brought up my low parenting score for last week).

When I was in Denver this summer, I met with a new friend, Ted Barrett, who created a communication technique for tense conversations.

He was married for 45 years before his wife passed (she sounded like an unbelievable woman), and together, they developed and used this method in the final five years of their time together (which transformed what sounded like a pretty great marriage to begin with).

I spent the last ten days in silence

Are you intelligent, witty, dependable, loyal, self-sufficient, and confident?

And are you also exhausted, guilt-ridden, anxious, sleepless, self-doubting,

irritated, resentful, and/or burnt out?

Today’s “empowered” woman can cycle through these emotions faster

I spent the last ten days in silence

 (unimaginable, I know).  

There was no communication – no “Imma losing my mind” eye rolls, no feeble attempts at a smile, no victory fist bumps, nada.

Shall I begin with the dogs infesting my house with fleas or the functional medicine doctor who says I’m allergic to eggs and coffee?

Yes, that’s right, I’m allergic to joy.

That alone had me wandering the kitchen in my pajamas at 12 noon,

Well, I eeked through Hannukah by the frizz of my humidityinfused hair this year.

But this year, instead of badgering myself about my inability to plan, lack of creative gift ideas etc., etc., etc., I enjoyed every lackadaisical, thirteen-yearold-nagging-me minute, and guess what?

It turned out great, like it does every year, except without my internal suffering. I showed up with presence, thoroughly enjoyed myself, and am damn proud of what I accomplished at work.

I’m in the business, for heaven’s sake. 

This only matters if you want to create your life on purpose rather than by accident.
 
This is edgy, but it's true:

See if the examples below resonate with you.

You know the one - the voice in your head that's inordinately concerned with what other people think, how you look, that stupid thing you said, and what you're currently "failing"?

Have you noticed that she doesn't respond to reason? That's because she's not rational.